he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize