The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
