some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
