i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
