he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
