I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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