You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
