Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize