i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Pants are for mortals
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
