remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
