I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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