can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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