I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
