I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
