Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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