another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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