I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize