i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
