i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
