Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
