I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this beer tastes like vomit already
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
