so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
