Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
