maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
