My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
