The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
