He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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