SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I met the friendliest cop last night
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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