Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
