actually, I'm a sock model
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize