whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
im holly from the hills drunk
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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