Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
