I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
