Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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