And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
