just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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