dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
