I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
