look no pants
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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