remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
