Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
