OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
