He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
