I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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