just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
