Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i wish my penis had a tongue
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
