Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
