I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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