My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize