My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
