I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My liver just had a heart attack.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
