Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize