I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
