his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You may now shotgun with the bride
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
