whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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