I skipped work to stalk him.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
