we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
