Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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