i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
